dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
