Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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