there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
