I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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