So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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