I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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