Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
