His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
