i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
