Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
