I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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