Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
