my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
