that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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