I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
