I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
