I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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