I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
