I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
