I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Vodka?
Forever.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
