dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
