what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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