How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
