i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
