i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
