If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
