they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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