rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I want her autograph on my taint
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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