dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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