the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
