My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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