Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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