woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I wish you could order shots online.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
