I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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