Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
