They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
