i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
