I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
