I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
