If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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