a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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