I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
