I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
