My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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