He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
