I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
