she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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