We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
