I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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