I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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