is your mom at the bar?
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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