Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
