Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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