I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
